Le Sigh

I'm trying really hard not to get down in the dumps again this year... Easier said than done.. It's just over a month away from the 3 year anniversary of my adopted dad's death. *sigh*
It's really hard to think that it's only been 3 years. On one hand it feels like it's been an eternity since the last time I saw him.. On the other, it feels like yesterday that I got the call saying he took his own life...

Suicide is one of the most confusing kinds of death to deal with. I've got the "pleasure" of dealing with several kinds of grief.. & this is by far the most difficult. I go back & forth from being mad at him, to missing him, to feeling guilty for things I got that my little brother & sister will never get, & to wanting to scream... the list can go on.. So many conflicting feelings. They say the pain of loosing someone gets easier with time.. That is complete bullshit. The quote I recently got tattooed from the book New Moon is the most fitting I've come by so far.
"It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather I'd grown strong enough to bear it"

My biggest fear is forgetting the sound of his voice & his laughter. Two of the most comforting sounds. And with my divorce I know he would've had some great advice... He always knew what to say when you were upset or needed a shoulder to cry on.
Also I know he would've loved Jeremy! They're very similar in many ways.. I really wish he was still around to meet him...
It breaks my heart having Ky Ky not know who he is, and Beth really doesn't remember him. Not to mention how his death has destroyed my family. Shalla will never be the same. She's not the same person anymore & doesn't know how to even really cope with her grief.. None of us are the same.. But I'm trying to remind myself that it's okay to smile again & live. But Shay has seemed to forgotten how to do that.. Sometimes you seem to see a glimmer of her old self, but for the most part she's lost in her grief & depression. And then she gives me a guilt trip for trying to move on.. And it's not the fact that I'm even moving on.. I'm just not allowing myself to sit around & wallow in my own self pity. That has gotten me no where & I hate being like that.. But once again I find myself rather sensitive & kind of pissy. So I feel bad for my family & friends who have to be near me at the moment.. I either want to snap at you for nothing you really did, or cry at a comment that I know is a joke. * I did BOTH of these things to Jeremy last night.. OOPS*
So I am hoping I don't drive Jeremy batty in the next month, or that I myself don't loose it lol I know Ron wouldn't want me to sit around crying. He was a very fun loving, out going person & wouldn't want me to stop living my life. I just miss him & wish I could get a hug from him.. That is all I really want. I never got a good bye... And there are so many unsaid things that I wish I could've told him.. But I can't change anything so all I can do it just try & get by =)