It only took 10 years!!

So you maybe curious what too me 10 years to FINALLY get... *Drum roll please*
Oh only my FAVE perfume on the planet!! Ralph by Ralph Lauren. Some may think this isn't a blog worthy topic. But on the contrary. This isn't just any ol' Tom, Dick, or Harry perfume. This is the perfume I've been coveting this perfume since I was 15 or 16. It was always too expensive for my poor ass as a teenager. So I always walked past it sadly dreaming of the day I would own it. Then as I got older, I never got it because I thought it was too much to spend on myself. I always talked myself out of it. So once again the sad stare & walking away.
But not anymore!! I FINALLY bought it for myself this weekend. =D WOO GO ME! The Lil' perfume store at my mall I work at, was having a wicked sale & I broke down & got it!! So now I smell scrumptious, and I can stop asking for samples of it from random department stores lol There is no shame in my game =P

Le Sigh

I'm trying really hard not to get down in the dumps again this year... Easier said than done.. It's just over a month away from the 3 year anniversary of my adopted dad's death. *sigh*
It's really hard to think that it's only been 3 years. On one hand it feels like it's been an eternity since the last time I saw him.. On the other, it feels like yesterday that I got the call saying he took his own life...

Suicide is one of the most confusing kinds of death to deal with. I've got the "pleasure" of dealing with several kinds of grief.. & this is by far the most difficult. I go back & forth from being mad at him, to missing him, to feeling guilty for things I got that my little brother & sister will never get, & to wanting to scream... the list can go on.. So many conflicting feelings. They say the pain of loosing someone gets easier with time.. That is complete bullshit. The quote I recently got tattooed from the book New Moon is the most fitting I've come by so far.
"It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather I'd grown strong enough to bear it"

My biggest fear is forgetting the sound of his voice & his laughter. Two of the most comforting sounds. And with my divorce I know he would've had some great advice... He always knew what to say when you were upset or needed a shoulder to cry on.
Also I know he would've loved Jeremy! They're very similar in many ways.. I really wish he was still around to meet him...
It breaks my heart having Ky Ky not know who he is, and Beth really doesn't remember him. Not to mention how his death has destroyed my family. Shalla will never be the same. She's not the same person anymore & doesn't know how to even really cope with her grief.. None of us are the same.. But I'm trying to remind myself that it's okay to smile again & live. But Shay has seemed to forgotten how to do that.. Sometimes you seem to see a glimmer of her old self, but for the most part she's lost in her grief & depression. And then she gives me a guilt trip for trying to move on.. And it's not the fact that I'm even moving on.. I'm just not allowing myself to sit around & wallow in my own self pity. That has gotten me no where & I hate being like that.. But once again I find myself rather sensitive & kind of pissy. So I feel bad for my family & friends who have to be near me at the moment.. I either want to snap at you for nothing you really did, or cry at a comment that I know is a joke. * I did BOTH of these things to Jeremy last night.. OOPS*
So I am hoping I don't drive Jeremy batty in the next month, or that I myself don't loose it lol I know Ron wouldn't want me to sit around crying. He was a very fun loving, out going person & wouldn't want me to stop living my life. I just miss him & wish I could get a hug from him.. That is all I really want. I never got a good bye... And there are so many unsaid things that I wish I could've told him.. But I can't change anything so all I can do it just try & get by =)

Guess who's back.....

It's been far far too long again.. Almost a year.. Yea I know. Naughty me =P But I'm Baaaaaack! And I promise to myself & ya'll that I shall be on here more!

My wonderful JenBun & I had a nice lil' convo about this glorious site last night & how good of an outlet it is. She's wise beyond her years =)

But back to the subject at hand.. ME =D My fave subject! LOL A LOT has happened in this last year; some bad, a lot good. So overall things are going good.

The biggest news of it all is that I'm now divorced. As sad as it is that I'm a divorced before I'm even 30, It's a good thing. That was the only real feeling I had. So I know I've made the right choice. But still feel like a failure a bit. It was hard at first when I left Kyle. But I needed to do it & it should've happened a lot sooner than it did. Denial is a great thing. It's been difficult on the kids. Ky Ky seems to be the one having the hardest time. But he's beginning to understand that it will be okay in the end, & that just because Kyle & I aren't together, doesn't mean we love him any less. He's a daddy's boy for sure. So this has been a huge change for him. And the fact that he's only 4 & doesn't understand it all makes it a bit harder. But he picks up on a lot more than I would've given him credit for. My kiddo's a smarty pants =P I'm just hoping that Kyle & I can be friends through this. We just recently signed the divorce papers, & things have seemed to be fine. He goes back & fourth from being rather pleasant, to giving me the "eat shit & die" look. So I don't know when or if we shall ever be able to maintain a friendship. I am hoping as time passes, he'll be able to come around. I want to be friends for more than the kids sake. He's a good guy, & I hate to see him so bitter.

Also Beth just turned 7 last week & will be going into the 2nd grade in the fall.!! I still can't believe that she's already 7! Not to mention that she will be going into the 2nd grade! Eeek! I FEEL OLD! Waaaahhhh! But she will be going to a new school. So that's going to be a little hard on her, but she's friendly enough to make new friends easily enough. My daughter isn't all that shy. lol But I am hoping that she likes the school. It's not too new of a school, since she took a summer reading camp at that school last summer. So I'm hoping that helps the transition a bit more.

Another wonderful change in my life is that I met someone & am actually living with him now too. I know sudden, but life's short. Jeremy is amazing. He's 6 years older than me & has a 8 year old son. Who's adorable. He only has Brycen every other week, but it's still fun & trying at times to have 3 kids between the age ranges of 4, 7, & 8. It's been a huge change for all of us, but it's been rather good as well.
We planned on taking things slow.. And that didn't work out so well lol I am madly in love and for the 1st time in a very long time I'm actually happy. We've had so many awesome adventures it's hard to even share them all. =D We went to see Green Day in Seattle on the 3rd of July, we went to the country fair & and a blasty blast, we just got back from a fun family camping trip, & not to mention all the fun random dates. He's defiantly my Edward! hee hee Of course I would make a Twilight reference. He's shown me that I'm beautiful just the way I am and he's so freaking amazing! He's pretty much the male version of me, but with a few twists to make it interesting. He keeps me on my toes that's for sure. I can't imagine my life without him. I know it hasn't been all that long we've been together, but sure feels like I've always been with him. It just feels right. I can't put it in any other words. He also gave me the little push to actually go apply for the internship @ a local radio station here. And I got it. =D It's been super fun. I've got to do lots of fun random events.
See so overall, all is good on the home front.

Been FAR FAR too long!! **REEEALLLY LOOONNNG!**

I know it's been quite sometime since my last post.. My computer stinks lately & for some reason, it's not a big fan of this site =( tends to freeze or shut it's self off whenever I try to read or comment.. I am HOPING it lets me get through this whole blog before either one of those things happen.. Keep your fingers crossed.

Lets see where to begin...

I am now a mother of a 1st grader.. I know sounds like I'm super old all of a sudden.. Or at least that is how it makes me feel! I know I had her @ 19 & in all actuality I am NOT THAT old! But doesn't make me feel all that young either. But so far the first week has been good. Not a fan of getting up early. I didn't like it last year, & am certainly still not a fan.

But on the plus side, she's now in school til 2:30, instead of shortly after 12pm =) Surprising how 2 hours can make such a difference! Feels like FOREVER, but nice at the same time.

Ky Ky starts pre-school next week! We have open-house on the 11Th, & he is looking forward to meeting his teacher & hopefully some of his classmates!And he actually starts on the 22ND. He can't wait & has been driving me insane since Beth has gone back! "I WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL TOO!!"

But on the other hand.. I am now going to have a 3 hours of no kids... I haven't had this in 6 years... What am I going to do? I know everyone thinks 3 hrs isn't all that long..

But when you've never had a 3 hr break from being a mom 5 days a week... I am excited & worried all at the same time.

Yes I have been away from my kids for a whole week before, not worrying at all. But they were safe at home with their daddy =) But now they will be in school, growing up learning skills so they no longer need me lol I know I am getting ahead of myself =P

But I bet I will grow to love it =D I have a feeling on that one hee hee

Hmmmm.. What else?

I've actually discovered I have a love for reading =) I don't read all that often. I've always said I am not very good at it, & am slow.. Well I proved myself wrong! And now am seeking for more books that could possibly hold my attention such as these!! I know now I've got all of you wondering what book could possibly spark such a sudden passion for reading. Well I shall share with you =)

It's the "Twilight" series by Stephenie Meyer.

It's a 4 book series.. Well possibly 5 if she finishes this other one that has yet to be released.. But I will get to that in a moment.

But OMG these books are A-M-AZING!! I Started "Twilight" last Fri. & it's close to a 500 page book! I was a little intimidated by it. But once 20 pages in I couldn't put it down! I had to tear myself away, when I realized it was 2am! Same thing for Sat. I finished it Sun. before I had to go to work. =) Totally shocked! That is the thickest book I have read & also the shortest time I've ever read a book! Woo hoo! So Sun. on my break I started book 2 "New Moon", Which was a bit closer to 600 pages.. finished it Tue when I got home from work. Started book 3 "Eclipse" 1st thing Wed. am after dropping Beth off at the bus stop( a bit more than 600 pages this time) & finished it Fri. afternoon . & Started "Breaking Dawn" the 4Th & "final" book in the saga (754 pages to be exact =P) & would've finished it sun night, but made myself stop reading it, so I could save it for the am on Mon. I had 54 pages left & it wasn't that late, but I didn't really want it to end yet lol

So 4 pretty big books in just over a week!! Pretty awesome if I say so myself!! But on the same subject! I am hoping that Stephenie will finish & release the book she was working on "Midnight Sun" which is a combination of the 4 books, but from one of the character Edwards point of view instead of Bella's!! But she stopped working on it when someone leaked some of it on to the Internet before she has finished it!! Now she's not sure if she's going to actually finish it since she feels violated & hurt! I read on her website & got to read the 1st chapter of it which she decided to post so people could read it & not feel like they're going behind her back since she knows curiosity would probably get the best of her fans! So I am HOPING with enough people emailing her, she can get back into the right mindset & finish this! Cause just from the 1st chapters ROUGH draft it was AMAZING & left me hoping for more! I will be seriously upset if it's not released.

So as you see from this HUGE RANT! I now like reading & am now on a "quest" to find more books that can catch my attention even more =) If you've got suggestions LET ME KNOW!

OK another reason that I may have read these books so feverishly is.. that I'm actually kinda avoiding a unhappy anniversary this coming week. *sigh*

On Sat September 13Th.. (random fact from my books that happened to be the main characters b-day.. CREEPY) it will be the 2 years since the night that my adopted dad took his own life.. via hanging..

I didn't realize that it would be much worse than last years Ann. But it's almost a 100 times worse! Which I have discovered why, Or I think I have figured out why. I was still pretty numb.

But now I have been feeling the full affect of it all. I've gone back to being mad at him for doing this to our family!The feeling guilty for being mad at him, confused by it all, & most of all the gut wrenching pain! It physically hurts when I think about it & focus on the fact that he is gone & when the grief hits me! It comes like a wave & will last for awhile. Sometimes it is easier to get back to managing the pain, & others not so easy.. I have been trying hard to ignore the days as it creeps closer.. But not with much success..

Today it's been 2 years exactly since the last time I saw him.. Since my children saw him. I can remember it like it was just yesterday! Seems like he just picked us up & took us to their new place, screaming at the duck game that was on & letting Beth beat him up cause she was his kung-fu princess! He made plans to take Beth to see "Open Season" since the missed her 4Th b-day party since the were moving that weekend.. He played with Ky Ky who was just a little over 1.. When I said goodbye & good night if I had only know that it would be the last time.. EVER! It's also the day that I took the last pic of him EVER!

It kills me that I know Ky Ky doesn't remember him!

How Beth kind of remembers him, but as she gets older, I know she won't really..

It's hard for me to even really talk about it... So I've been trying not to think about it. But easier said then done. But the fact is that I miss him more & more every day! & it kills me that I got things from him that my little sister & little brother will never have!

I am thankful for what he gave me in the time he was in my life, but that doesn't lessen the pain or hurt that he left us with..

But I guess I have written FAR FAR more than I meant to. So I shall stop here. Thanks for reading if you managed to read it all :P

He must be a god!

Ok So I have been a Michael Phleps fan since last Olympics in 2004. I never really cared about the summer Olympics, til him :P He caught my attention in the 2004 Olympics. How could he not? :D

But OMG he's totally blown me away this year!

So if anyone has kept up on his swimming or the Olympics in general so far, you would know he just won his 11Th GOLD metal of his career.

Oh BTW no one in the history of the Olympics has done that! He won I think 7 or 8 metals in 2004

Right now your probably thinking wow not bad. But 5 of them are from just this Olympics. He's won NOTHING but gold so far!!

In 2004 he won 6 gold, and a silver & bronze.

But he has 3 more metals to go for this Olympics. I am sure they will be gold as well! That will also be another Olympic history making event. I'm pretty sure the most gold metal won in one Olympics by a person was 7 or 6. Something like that.

But he's already swam 8 times out of the 17 he has. He's insane! And everything he has won in China has been at world record speed! Which they were already his world records to break!

So this is why I'm pretty sure he's a god or something. A descendant from the Greek god Poseidon, the ruler of the seas!
Here's a video of his 1st swim of the games. Kinda crappy. But gives you a better idea of his awesomeness!

My baby is 6!

Holly crap I still can't believe it! Yesterday was Beth's 6th b-day. It was weird that she turned 6, but had a "teenager" theme of a party. Instead of little kid stuff. We had a Hannah Montana party & She made out like a bandit & now owns a TON of Hannah Montana things.. Not sure how i feel about that.. Kinda odd.

But she had a great time & I am still in shock over here. My baby is growing up.. I feel old. I know 25 isn't all that old. But having a 6 year old makes me feel super old!

Who my kids think I went to visit(Frank You'll love this!)

So my kids knew I was going to visit Jenny.. But they think I went & met Jenny.. The robot from the cartoon " My Life as a teenage Robot" Yea thought that would make you happy Frank :P
Even after the fact that I showed them pictures of the real Jenny, they still don't want to believe that I didn't meet the robot Jenny.

Kids are silly!! Just thought I would share this little random fact about my silly kids!

They also still refer to her as a robot :P

OH but on a different note.

Kyle & I went & saw "Dark Knight" on Fri. night. F*CKING AWESOME MOVIE!! There wasn't one thing wrong with the movie! Kyle & I left the theater & was in awe of it!

Kinda confused why Maggie Gyllenhaal was in it instead of Katie Holms. Is that how you spell her last name?

Oh well. The whole movie was great! I loved it!! It's sad that this was Heath's last movie, cause he was AMAZING!! I think he would've gotten an Oscar for sure if he hadn't passed away!

Such a great movie. I have to see it one more time before it leaves the theater! If you haven't seen this movie. It's a must see!! It's really that good!! I don't think I've come across someone who hasn't LOVED this movie!!