This was NOT the way I wanted 2009 to end!

Late Sunday night I started bleeding & by yesterday afternoon I was cramping, & the bleeding had increased & was having a miscarriage. I'm heart broken, I never wanted to be pregnant before & I can't even express how bad I wanted this pregnancy. So this is extremely difficult, & I feel like it was stolen from me, & don't understand why.
But I'm coming to terms with that everything happen for a reason, & that Jeremy & I will have a baby when the time is right. But it's still a hard pill to swallow.

Morning sickness BLOWS!

I'm so sick of feeling sick! This reeeeeaaaaly stinks! I'm super excited about being preggers, & this is really the 1st pregnancy I can say that about. But OMG I'm nauseous all the time! Nothing I do makes it go away! And I'm not even 5 weeks! It started right away! Bleh! I'm just hoping it goes away & doesn't stick around the whole pregnancy.

And I think if I was skinny I would be showing already.. Cause my pants are highly annoying & feel a bit snug.. I'm feeling like a cow at the moment.. So not having a super happy moment lol

But yay for new baby on the wat =P

Here's to a happy New Year!

Things have been going along wonderfully! For Christmas Jeremy got me a snazzy new laptop! It's super duper bad ass! I highly recommend HP =)

We also have some big new to share! We now have a bundle of joy on the way. We decided to try for a baby.. and the 1st try we got lucky! Some people might think we're nuts, but we can't be happier. I've never been this blissfully happy in my life it's pretty awesome! We can't wait to meet our lil bean. I'm due Sept. 1st 2010! I hopefully will be going to the dr with in the coming week, so that due date might change. Some peeps think I'm further along.. But I'm not sure. But as for now I'm just over 4 weeks! Squeeee!


Oh & this is totally random! I just watched the trailer for the Tim Burton's "Alice in Wonderland". OMG LOVE LOVE IT! For anyone who knows me at all, they know my obsession with Alice in Wonderland! I've loved it since I was a little girl! But I totally love the take that Time Burton has done! Looks A-MAZING! Not to mention Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter, how can you go wrong with that?!
Here's the trailer! Alice in wonderland trailer You totally need to check it out fo shiz!

I can hear the Bells...

On Sunday September 20th, Jeremy proposed to me. *Does happy dance*
Most people would think we've been moving at light speed. But when you know, you know! Things have been amazing & I can honestly say that I knew from the 1st date that he was the man I was suppose to be with.
The second time around is so much better! We're not going to rush getting married. I refuse to be "Bridezilla". I want to actually enjoy the fact that I get to marry the man of my dreams!
But I shall dish the dirt on the proposal. =)
We had been talking about marriage & all that jazz for a while. The weekend before while we were at the mall, Brycen *Jeremy's son* & I had been window shopping. And I kind of pointed out a ring that I thought was nice. Not my fave, but it was okay. Jeremy had the ring that he proposed to his ex with, & I had seen it before. And from the second I saw it I fell in love with it. She never really liked it or even wore it. Which killed me.
But on the 19th, we went to the same mall, and I went to get some candy & he went to the "bathroom".
He came back all excited after he took FOREVER. But said he couldn't tell me why he was excited. But when we got home he started taking pictures of the engagement ring & started planning on selling it on craigslist. I just pouted coloring trying not to look at the ring too much, cause it killed me to see it. I really LOVED it! It seriously was a dream engagement ring in my opinion!
I happened to look at the receipt from the ring & saw that he had bought it from the very jewelry store that my adopted mom works at. So I looked even closer & saw that there was the associate that helped him was my mom! He purchased the ring 3 years ago, from my mom! So we both thought it was very weird.
But the following morning I looked at the ring & he noticed the sad look on my face & asked would it bother me to have that ring. Instantly I said no, it was just too weird that my mom was the one who helped him at the store & I LOVED it! Then he got on one knee & asked me to marry him *SWOON*
Not your normal proposal, but we're not your normal couple either. It was a perfect proposal in my book.
Jeremy was having issue with the fact that he gave me the old ring, & I did feel a bit bad. But our neighbor, whom is wise in her years. Told us that the ring doesn't come with the woman, it comes with the man. He has to find the perfect woman for it. Which totally hit a cord with us. Since his ex didn't even like the ring, & I loved it from the second I saw it! =)
I can't wait to be his wife & am honored to be the one who gets the ring.

Wow I'm rather niave sometimes

So most who know me, know my obsession & love of Bettie Page..

Well Jeremy's friend kind of snickered when he saw some of my Bettie stuff & said "that explains a lot." I shrugged it off & really didn't think much of it.
See doesn't she look sweet & innocent *Wink Wink*

But that same weekend I made Jeremy watch the movie about Bettie Page "The Notorious Bettie Page".

So as we're watching it, and Jeremy turns to me, smiling and says "your idol was a porn star?" My first reaction was shock. "NO! She's not a porn star, she was a pin up. Big difference." Was my response. But the more I thought about it & looked at ALL of the random things I own.. Yea my idol is a porn star tee hee
I don't know how I managed to never see it before Jeremy pointed it out. I mean for crying out loud she was the pioneer of bondage lol I'm really slow sometimes. But the best part of her was that she never really thought she was doing something naughty & she was a christian woman her whole life =P

Doesn't change my love of her... Now I understand when I get the little looks & comments from his friends. Yes I'm a naughty girl too. In the words of Bettie Page "I was NEVER the girl next door."

Out of the Darkness Walk PLEASE READ!!

Most people who know me, know that my adopted dad took his own life September 13, 2006. This year in my town for the 1st time the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention will be holding a walk in support of Suicide Awareness on October 18th. My family & I will be taking part in this event. I would love it if anyone who reads this can pass the link to my donation site to help me raise money I would be utterly grateful.
Here's the link to my page.
http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&eventID=949&participantID=58402

Happy Thoughts.. Right?

So It's officially September... The month I happen to hate the most.. Well atleast for the last almost 3 years.. On September 9th it will be 3 years since the last time I saw my adopted dad Ron, & on the 13th it will be the 3 year Ann. of the night he took his own life... SO not my fave month ever.
But I seem to be handling it better than I did last year. I don't know if it is cause I am actually happy besides dealing with the grief of missing Ron. But it doesn't feel so raw & painful.. But still sucks balls!
I'm also trying to think about all the positives.. Yes I miss him, BUT things in my life are going right. Yes I would love to share all the joys going on in my life with him, But I know he wouldn't want me to be mopping around crying all the time.
I also know it's not healthy to ignore the pain. So I'm just trying to find the happy medium... Easier said than done. But I think I'm doing okay. I guess that is all I can ask for at the moment.

It only took 10 years!!

So you maybe curious what too me 10 years to FINALLY get... *Drum roll please*
Oh only my FAVE perfume on the planet!! Ralph by Ralph Lauren. Some may think this isn't a blog worthy topic. But on the contrary. This isn't just any ol' Tom, Dick, or Harry perfume. This is the perfume I've been coveting this perfume since I was 15 or 16. It was always too expensive for my poor ass as a teenager. So I always walked past it sadly dreaming of the day I would own it. Then as I got older, I never got it because I thought it was too much to spend on myself. I always talked myself out of it. So once again the sad stare & walking away.
But not anymore!! I FINALLY bought it for myself this weekend. =D WOO GO ME! The Lil' perfume store at my mall I work at, was having a wicked sale & I broke down & got it!! So now I smell scrumptious, and I can stop asking for samples of it from random department stores lol There is no shame in my game =P

Le Sigh

I'm trying really hard not to get down in the dumps again this year... Easier said than done.. It's just over a month away from the 3 year anniversary of my adopted dad's death. *sigh*
It's really hard to think that it's only been 3 years. On one hand it feels like it's been an eternity since the last time I saw him.. On the other, it feels like yesterday that I got the call saying he took his own life...

Suicide is one of the most confusing kinds of death to deal with. I've got the "pleasure" of dealing with several kinds of grief.. & this is by far the most difficult. I go back & forth from being mad at him, to missing him, to feeling guilty for things I got that my little brother & sister will never get, & to wanting to scream... the list can go on.. So many conflicting feelings. They say the pain of loosing someone gets easier with time.. That is complete bullshit. The quote I recently got tattooed from the book New Moon is the most fitting I've come by so far.
"It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather I'd grown strong enough to bear it"

My biggest fear is forgetting the sound of his voice & his laughter. Two of the most comforting sounds. And with my divorce I know he would've had some great advice... He always knew what to say when you were upset or needed a shoulder to cry on.
Also I know he would've loved Jeremy! They're very similar in many ways.. I really wish he was still around to meet him...
It breaks my heart having Ky Ky not know who he is, and Beth really doesn't remember him. Not to mention how his death has destroyed my family. Shalla will never be the same. She's not the same person anymore & doesn't know how to even really cope with her grief.. None of us are the same.. But I'm trying to remind myself that it's okay to smile again & live. But Shay has seemed to forgotten how to do that.. Sometimes you seem to see a glimmer of her old self, but for the most part she's lost in her grief & depression. And then she gives me a guilt trip for trying to move on.. And it's not the fact that I'm even moving on.. I'm just not allowing myself to sit around & wallow in my own self pity. That has gotten me no where & I hate being like that.. But once again I find myself rather sensitive & kind of pissy. So I feel bad for my family & friends who have to be near me at the moment.. I either want to snap at you for nothing you really did, or cry at a comment that I know is a joke. * I did BOTH of these things to Jeremy last night.. OOPS*
So I am hoping I don't drive Jeremy batty in the next month, or that I myself don't loose it lol I know Ron wouldn't want me to sit around crying. He was a very fun loving, out going person & wouldn't want me to stop living my life. I just miss him & wish I could get a hug from him.. That is all I really want. I never got a good bye... And there are so many unsaid things that I wish I could've told him.. But I can't change anything so all I can do it just try & get by =)

Guess who's back.....

It's been far far too long again.. Almost a year.. Yea I know. Naughty me =P But I'm Baaaaaack! And I promise to myself & ya'll that I shall be on here more!

My wonderful JenBun & I had a nice lil' convo about this glorious site last night & how good of an outlet it is. She's wise beyond her years =)

But back to the subject at hand.. ME =D My fave subject! LOL A LOT has happened in this last year; some bad, a lot good. So overall things are going good.

The biggest news of it all is that I'm now divorced. As sad as it is that I'm a divorced before I'm even 30, It's a good thing. That was the only real feeling I had. So I know I've made the right choice. But still feel like a failure a bit. It was hard at first when I left Kyle. But I needed to do it & it should've happened a lot sooner than it did. Denial is a great thing. It's been difficult on the kids. Ky Ky seems to be the one having the hardest time. But he's beginning to understand that it will be okay in the end, & that just because Kyle & I aren't together, doesn't mean we love him any less. He's a daddy's boy for sure. So this has been a huge change for him. And the fact that he's only 4 & doesn't understand it all makes it a bit harder. But he picks up on a lot more than I would've given him credit for. My kiddo's a smarty pants =P I'm just hoping that Kyle & I can be friends through this. We just recently signed the divorce papers, & things have seemed to be fine. He goes back & fourth from being rather pleasant, to giving me the "eat shit & die" look. So I don't know when or if we shall ever be able to maintain a friendship. I am hoping as time passes, he'll be able to come around. I want to be friends for more than the kids sake. He's a good guy, & I hate to see him so bitter.

Also Beth just turned 7 last week & will be going into the 2nd grade in the fall.!! I still can't believe that she's already 7! Not to mention that she will be going into the 2nd grade! Eeek! I FEEL OLD! Waaaahhhh! But she will be going to a new school. So that's going to be a little hard on her, but she's friendly enough to make new friends easily enough. My daughter isn't all that shy. lol But I am hoping that she likes the school. It's not too new of a school, since she took a summer reading camp at that school last summer. So I'm hoping that helps the transition a bit more.

Another wonderful change in my life is that I met someone & am actually living with him now too. I know sudden, but life's short. Jeremy is amazing. He's 6 years older than me & has a 8 year old son. Who's adorable. He only has Brycen every other week, but it's still fun & trying at times to have 3 kids between the age ranges of 4, 7, & 8. It's been a huge change for all of us, but it's been rather good as well.
We planned on taking things slow.. And that didn't work out so well lol I am madly in love and for the 1st time in a very long time I'm actually happy. We've had so many awesome adventures it's hard to even share them all. =D We went to see Green Day in Seattle on the 3rd of July, we went to the country fair & and a blasty blast, we just got back from a fun family camping trip, & not to mention all the fun random dates. He's defiantly my Edward! hee hee Of course I would make a Twilight reference. He's shown me that I'm beautiful just the way I am and he's so freaking amazing! He's pretty much the male version of me, but with a few twists to make it interesting. He keeps me on my toes that's for sure. I can't imagine my life without him. I know it hasn't been all that long we've been together, but sure feels like I've always been with him. It just feels right. I can't put it in any other words. He also gave me the little push to actually go apply for the internship @ a local radio station here. And I got it. =D It's been super fun. I've got to do lots of fun random events.
See so overall, all is good on the home front.