This was NOT the way I wanted 2009 to end!

Late Sunday night I started bleeding & by yesterday afternoon I was cramping, & the bleeding had increased & was having a miscarriage. I'm heart broken, I never wanted to be pregnant before & I can't even express how bad I wanted this pregnancy. So this is extremely difficult, & I feel like it was stolen from me, & don't understand why.
But I'm coming to terms with that everything happen for a reason, & that Jeremy & I will have a baby when the time is right. But it's still a hard pill to swallow.

Morning sickness BLOWS!

I'm so sick of feeling sick! This reeeeeaaaaly stinks! I'm super excited about being preggers, & this is really the 1st pregnancy I can say that about. But OMG I'm nauseous all the time! Nothing I do makes it go away! And I'm not even 5 weeks! It started right away! Bleh! I'm just hoping it goes away & doesn't stick around the whole pregnancy.

And I think if I was skinny I would be showing already.. Cause my pants are highly annoying & feel a bit snug.. I'm feeling like a cow at the moment.. So not having a super happy moment lol

But yay for new baby on the wat =P

Here's to a happy New Year!

Things have been going along wonderfully! For Christmas Jeremy got me a snazzy new laptop! It's super duper bad ass! I highly recommend HP =)

We also have some big new to share! We now have a bundle of joy on the way. We decided to try for a baby.. and the 1st try we got lucky! Some people might think we're nuts, but we can't be happier. I've never been this blissfully happy in my life it's pretty awesome! We can't wait to meet our lil bean. I'm due Sept. 1st 2010! I hopefully will be going to the dr with in the coming week, so that due date might change. Some peeps think I'm further along.. But I'm not sure. But as for now I'm just over 4 weeks! Squeeee!


Oh & this is totally random! I just watched the trailer for the Tim Burton's "Alice in Wonderland". OMG LOVE LOVE IT! For anyone who knows me at all, they know my obsession with Alice in Wonderland! I've loved it since I was a little girl! But I totally love the take that Time Burton has done! Looks A-MAZING! Not to mention Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter, how can you go wrong with that?!
Here's the trailer! Alice in wonderland trailer You totally need to check it out fo shiz!

I can hear the Bells...

On Sunday September 20th, Jeremy proposed to me. *Does happy dance*
Most people would think we've been moving at light speed. But when you know, you know! Things have been amazing & I can honestly say that I knew from the 1st date that he was the man I was suppose to be with.
The second time around is so much better! We're not going to rush getting married. I refuse to be "Bridezilla". I want to actually enjoy the fact that I get to marry the man of my dreams!
But I shall dish the dirt on the proposal. =)
We had been talking about marriage & all that jazz for a while. The weekend before while we were at the mall, Brycen *Jeremy's son* & I had been window shopping. And I kind of pointed out a ring that I thought was nice. Not my fave, but it was okay. Jeremy had the ring that he proposed to his ex with, & I had seen it before. And from the second I saw it I fell in love with it. She never really liked it or even wore it. Which killed me.
But on the 19th, we went to the same mall, and I went to get some candy & he went to the "bathroom".
He came back all excited after he took FOREVER. But said he couldn't tell me why he was excited. But when we got home he started taking pictures of the engagement ring & started planning on selling it on craigslist. I just pouted coloring trying not to look at the ring too much, cause it killed me to see it. I really LOVED it! It seriously was a dream engagement ring in my opinion!
I happened to look at the receipt from the ring & saw that he had bought it from the very jewelry store that my adopted mom works at. So I looked even closer & saw that there was the associate that helped him was my mom! He purchased the ring 3 years ago, from my mom! So we both thought it was very weird.
But the following morning I looked at the ring & he noticed the sad look on my face & asked would it bother me to have that ring. Instantly I said no, it was just too weird that my mom was the one who helped him at the store & I LOVED it! Then he got on one knee & asked me to marry him *SWOON*
Not your normal proposal, but we're not your normal couple either. It was a perfect proposal in my book.
Jeremy was having issue with the fact that he gave me the old ring, & I did feel a bit bad. But our neighbor, whom is wise in her years. Told us that the ring doesn't come with the woman, it comes with the man. He has to find the perfect woman for it. Which totally hit a cord with us. Since his ex didn't even like the ring, & I loved it from the second I saw it! =)
I can't wait to be his wife & am honored to be the one who gets the ring.

Wow I'm rather niave sometimes

So most who know me, know my obsession & love of Bettie Page..

Well Jeremy's friend kind of snickered when he saw some of my Bettie stuff & said "that explains a lot." I shrugged it off & really didn't think much of it.
See doesn't she look sweet & innocent *Wink Wink*

But that same weekend I made Jeremy watch the movie about Bettie Page "The Notorious Bettie Page".

So as we're watching it, and Jeremy turns to me, smiling and says "your idol was a porn star?" My first reaction was shock. "NO! She's not a porn star, she was a pin up. Big difference." Was my response. But the more I thought about it & looked at ALL of the random things I own.. Yea my idol is a porn star tee hee
I don't know how I managed to never see it before Jeremy pointed it out. I mean for crying out loud she was the pioneer of bondage lol I'm really slow sometimes. But the best part of her was that she never really thought she was doing something naughty & she was a christian woman her whole life =P

Doesn't change my love of her... Now I understand when I get the little looks & comments from his friends. Yes I'm a naughty girl too. In the words of Bettie Page "I was NEVER the girl next door."

Out of the Darkness Walk PLEASE READ!!

Most people who know me, know that my adopted dad took his own life September 13, 2006. This year in my town for the 1st time the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention will be holding a walk in support of Suicide Awareness on October 18th. My family & I will be taking part in this event. I would love it if anyone who reads this can pass the link to my donation site to help me raise money I would be utterly grateful.
Here's the link to my page.
http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&eventID=949&participantID=58402

Happy Thoughts.. Right?

So It's officially September... The month I happen to hate the most.. Well atleast for the last almost 3 years.. On September 9th it will be 3 years since the last time I saw my adopted dad Ron, & on the 13th it will be the 3 year Ann. of the night he took his own life... SO not my fave month ever.
But I seem to be handling it better than I did last year. I don't know if it is cause I am actually happy besides dealing with the grief of missing Ron. But it doesn't feel so raw & painful.. But still sucks balls!
I'm also trying to think about all the positives.. Yes I miss him, BUT things in my life are going right. Yes I would love to share all the joys going on in my life with him, But I know he wouldn't want me to be mopping around crying all the time.
I also know it's not healthy to ignore the pain. So I'm just trying to find the happy medium... Easier said than done. But I think I'm doing okay. I guess that is all I can ask for at the moment.